20: Alfredo’s Chicken Alfredo

Well look who’s a big girl and posting on a semi regular basis?! You know there are so many things in life that can be challenging, whether it be your job, your love life or wrasslin them kids into a kitchen chair to eat something other than preservatives shaped like dinosaurs. Now as I say this I want you to keep in mind that I am a firm believer in moderation in all things, however sometimes you just gotta say “I’m not going to count the calories on this one” and have yourself the meal you know you deserve. For some people that’s a big juicy steak, for others its fried chicken, but for me it is far and away Chicken Alfredo!

Good, here we are in Lawrence’s back yard. Also that garage door opener gives your mother a bowel loosening orgasm. Like a life changing orgasm, no lie she just shit herself from cumming so hard. That’s a good thing though right? Unless she’s dead. Is she? I wonder what happens if she is.

So as you can see from the overflowing garbage can, Lawrence is a beer enthusiast. From the lawn we can also glean that he is not one to concern himself with the opinions of others. Now if we look closely we can tell from him passed out on the broken lawn chair that he enjoys his leisure time. By leisure time we can further deduce from what out peepers peep that he appreciates the female form. This of course is because he has his limp dick in his hand and a crusty nudey mag strewn across his chest.

A bee with the face of someone related to Nicholas Cage just landed on the head of Lawrence’s exposed penis and stung it. He’s awake! And also realizes now that Pedro is standing at his back looking at him with a look not of disappointment but a resignation to eternal disappointment.

“120 tiene gallos” he says then turns and walks to the street. Lawrence raises on his left elbow removes the magazine from his chest , takes a moment to appreciate the wrinkly folds of the nasty granny centerfold and pulls up his gym shorts.

Let’s walk around to the front of the trailer, I think Lawrence needs to grab some things from inside.

“Se durmió masturbándose de nuevo. Estare mas tarde y le dire a consuela que la amo” Pedro says into a cellphone as he warily watches the front door of Lawrence’s trailer. A moth the size of a crow swoops down at Pedro’s hand with the cellphone. It’s finger sized proboscis ringed with needle like teeth narrowly avoid making contact with the electronic wonder of the modern world.

“Hijo de puta” Pedro exclaims as he brings his un-cellphoned hand down in the middle of the creature’s back, knocking it to the sidewalk.

Okay hold on I’m gonna pause this right here. Check this shit out…. Look at the moth damnit. You know having you around is like being the fucking miracle worker. WAH WAH! THAT’S RIGHT WATER!

Let me describe it to you, you fucking invalid. The moth on the ground looks nothing like a moth. Both the markings on it’s belly and it’s back are mixed with bright white, red purple and blue. When the wings are closed it appears to just be a giant nightmare moth bent on solidifying itself in your nightmares, but when it’s wings are fully extended the camouflage it reveals would give your nightmares nightmares. You see as the wings fully extend the colors begin to take shape and the true image revealed, that of a white faced circus clown with red hair blue lips and purple eyes, framed on each side with a white gloved hand. The overall image gives the impression of a clown looking through a giant moth shaped window as if to say “HI KIDS I’M HERE TO EAT YOUR SOULS!”

Okay unpause “Que te folle un pez!” Pedro says through gritted teeth as he brings a worn workboot down on the moth. The clown face explodes into pale green ooze and bug innards. Okay pause again. First off I’ve made it a point not to translate anything, but did you hear what he just said? I mean I’m still not going to translate it, but well…anyways…Oh yeah the other things with the moths. So the genetic modifying molecules aren’t a static manipulation, they simply set different organisms on an alternate evolutionary path. That being said, the evolutionary process often works in leaps and bounds depending on obstacles that may be put in the way of it’s intended purpose.

The moths for example were originally modified as a method of biological data retrieval. Aside from their primary survival instincts the rest of their brains were increased and reconfigured to work as a type of natural flash drive or storage unit. After the genetic manipulation they generally looked like normal moths, aside from being bird sized (a natural side effect of the increase in brain size.)

This was around the time that the giant chickens (remember I mentioned them before?) started getting a taste for giant moths. Now how the moths got wind of the chickens being deadly afraid of clowns is anyone’s guess. But just like normal moths evolved to have owl eye replicas on their wings, our moths seemingly in days morphed into Bozo the flying nightmare.

Now as far as for why the chickens are afraid of clowns, it is my hypothesis that one of the original genetically modified chickens was traumatized by a drunk in a backyard birthday party.

Unpause

INGREDIENTS

2 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts

Kosher salt

Freshly ground black pepper

1 1/2 c. whole milk

1 1/2 c. low-sodium chicken broth

2 cloves garlic, minced

8 oz.  fetuccini

1/2 c. heavy cream

1 c. freshly grated Parmesan

Freshly chopped parsley, for garnish 

DIRECTIONS

  1. In a large skillet over medium-high heat, heat oil. Add chicken and season with salt and pepper. Cook until golden and cooked through, 8 minutes per side. Let rest 10 minutes, then slice. 
  2. Add milk, broth, and garlic to skillet. Season with salt and pepper and bring to a simmer. Add fettuccine, stirring frequently for about 3 minutes. Let cook until al dente, 8 minutes more. 
  3. Stir in heavy cream and Parmesan until combined. Simmer until sauce thickens. 
  4. Remove from heat and stir in sliced chicken. Garnish with parsley.

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