12: Big Walter’s Slow Cooked Pork Butt

No matter how old I get Pork Butt still makes me giggle a little. Anyhoo I stumbled upon this recipe from a co-worker not too long ago and it simply blew my mind at how easy it could really be. Not only did I fall in love with the ease of said recipe, but I also adored the taste it produced. So often we sacrifice taste for convenience, but not in the case of big Walter’s slow cooked pork butt 😀

See? Just like a Christmas Carol! Now why do they call the hookers hummers you ask?It’s not for brevity or even conservation of syllables. Perhaps it’s a title given because of a renown act done better here than else where, like Sam’s Burgers, but instead of delicious discs of ground bovine flesh served with aged Wisconsin cheddar, crisp lettuce and a warm bun its sucking dick while humming. While also a very astute guess it is also an incorrect one. Though now I want one of those lightly seasoned skillet charred affronts on my cholesterol. No hummers get their name from a particular extraterrestrial sexually transmitted disease.

Understand disease is a term for easy understanding, not literal description. The terrifying fact of the matter is it is in fact an alien infestation of the hooker’s vaginal canal. The tiny creatures can be contracted when the lady of the night in question plies her goods to one of the alien scouts sent periodically into the trailer park.

The scouts are an amalgamation of many smaller organisms working together for the greater good of the whole. If looking in frank terms we could say the same for ourselves, but instead of micro organisms working inside your intestines or skin cells repairing themselves, think more like a bunch of bugs latched onto themselves designated tasks to each other then put on clothes and told you to call them/it Bill. Or you know, whatever name sounds appropriately alieny to you.

Once the union is consummated a queen parasite is transferred to the receiving mate. This queen quickly burrows into whatever soft wet flesh she can find and goes about the process of laying some already fertilized eggs. The female and male eggs hatch differently depending on the environment in which they’re laid. If the host environment is laden with estrogen the female offspring will hatch first. They will then spread and attach themselves to circulatory system and release a variety of different pheromones into the host’s system.

The additional boost to the host’s ordinary sexual thirst is overwhelming. This causes a chemical dependency on the dopamine released during orgasm. Johns that have the misfortune of being bedded by one of these infected hookers become infected as well. After their romp in sweaty bed sheets or in most cases next to the dumpsters behind popeye’s chicken, the eggs that are transferred into the urethra of the john will hatch. These newly hatched male parasites release testosterone and increase the want to procreate.

The parasites are so insistent to reproduce that when a male parasite is near a female it will begin to furiously rub it’s bag legs. Given that most infestations number in the dozens, all simultaneously fidgeting and rubbing their legs, the effect produced is as if the infected man’s genitals are humming tunelessly yet rather loudly.

At first the gang pimps were furious that all the hookers had been all bugged up in their flappy lady parts. Soon though it came to light that the dopamine rush they got from sex was inspiring them to work twenty hours at a time , without crank or coke! Moreso the infected Johns were insatiable, paying any price for a stab at a properly parasitic pussy.


1 Pork butt (Usually in the 6-7 lbs range)

1 Cub of your favorite dry rub seasoning (I like the McCormick Garlic Herb one)

2 Cups Mustard (Dijon or yellow)

4 Cups cubed red potatoes

1 Red onion Cut into chunks

3 Cups baby carrots

2 Cups Chicken broth


Put your vegetables in a large slow cooker with your chicken broth.

Cover the entirety of the butt with mustard

Over the mustard cover the butt with your dry rub

Set the butt into the slow cooker on top of the vegetables, ensure the fat is pointing up.

Set your timer to the longest you’ve got (mine is 7 hours)

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